Dear John

Love is like a rose, a beautiful fighting thing…its pulchritude overwhelms, the softness of its petals caressing as its saccharine scent beclouds your senses with quixotic sentiments robbing mind of reason, such that it’s bushes grow wild, creeping and covering all else as its thorny fingers tear you apart, piece by piece.

Still, a rose is after all things still just another flower, dependent on a caregivers hands to bloom free, on the glorious sun to shine warm, the teardrops of heaven to quench it’s thirst and most of all a fertile loam to thrive. Without all these its glory lasts for a period, slowly fading, wilting till the final bow a cloying smell that turns favor repugnant.

So, every good garderner knows, the secret of a good garden is to prune, ruthlessly everything beautiful or not that threatens the balance of his charge, your heart is your garden, one you should prune ruthlessly, lest it be overgrown by tall emotional weeds that steal peace and choke comfort, it is your duty to pick and chose that which most heals without scarring.

If not mother nature will eventually take the initiative, hiding the sun in her billowing cloak, holding the rain away from your need so that your leaves no longer turn green and your petals atrophy, one falling after another in an endless stream of “she loves me not’s” till it dies, slowly and painfully, starved of the nourishment it so deeply craves.

Like roses, in love we might not choose where our bushes grow or why but we have the choice to make, will we let it wrap it’s thistles around our neck squeezing peace from tranquility or will we fight, for our right to live free subject only to our own whims and caprices. A choice you must make, else nature will for she does abhor a vacuum and in her careless charge things are known to burn and break.

Till we meet,

The Heart Collector

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14 Love Letters: 14th February

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” Plato. I hope you finally understand the how 14 letters have come to be, how I have been able to find it in me to pen bits of my soul for your reading pleasure, it is you that turns my simple musings into poetry.

Its today, finally, happy Valentine my love, so long I’ve looked forward to this day that I find myself wroth. With every second that passes I am filled with a growing sense of dread because I know as with all things…this too shall pass and I don’t want it to, not without you here with me but then again maybe it should.

Yes the sun should set on this day and rise with a brand new one brimming with unknown possibilities, pioneering new days I can look forward to, projecting my deepest hopes and dreams, because with every twilight that finds and leaves me here without you, I’m one dawn closer to the day you come home to me,never to leave again.

To be mine without reservation, loving, trusting, choosing me, despite and inspite of myself. To be a my north star, always there in dark times and in light, to be my partner in life, in dreams and reality, in laughter and sorrow. My protector, friend and lover.

To share my mind, to build a future, growing together to create something real out of this magic that we’ve become.

Yours Always

Your Sweetheart

14 Love Letters: 13th February

I would spend a lifetime telling you how much you mean to me and it won’t be enough, to express the depth to which this my consciousness of you runs in my soul. I love you, and God knows I’m justified but there will never be anything I understand less than the fact that you love me too.It boggles my mind, you love me, you… It leaves me humbled and feeling blessed, how did I get so lucky, what did I do right that I find myself thus rewarded.

I’m like a Rihanna song, not so easy to love, complicated. Blessed with a mind I barely understand, eyes that see too much, a heart that is either hot- a searing blaze or colder than the deepest reaches of Jortunheim, at every turn I find reason to question, distrust and curl into myself pretending like all is well while I die in silence, killing you along with me, yet you love me.

Too often I say the wrong things, or say nothing at all when a word is all you need to heal,too often I don’t do the things I say I would, I forget, I get careless, too often into selfishness where I tell myself I’m done showing you what I feel because you might one day love me less than you love me now and I leave you lonely even when I’m with you..yet you love me

I can’t find the words to express my heart all I can say is the same words I’ve said before, words I hope you never tire of hearing, I love you too.

Love Always

Your Sweetheart

14 Love Letters: 12th February

12 letters I’ve sent, 12 letters filled will “I’s”, “I will’s” and “I can’s”…even as I wrote to you and about you, all I talked about really was me, and not just because love does not overnight a narcissist reform but because love is not about what you get, its about what you are willing to give- everything.

Yes. Everything. Without Wax or contention, all of me with no reservation. I come prepared to be your salvation, your heroine, knight in couture armour to wrestle and slay all who stand between you and my ultimate pleasure- your happiness.

You see love leaves us vulnerable, like little kids running naked and barefoot in the rain, oblivious to everything that could prick and sting in the face of their euphoria, so that when the rain is over, they are made by that catering parent to learn anew the dangers of snakes and too sharp pebbles over the burning sensation of a healing poultice.

So we also become vulnerable the minute we open our heart to love, we run headlong, sight wanting, without guile or care, basking in the glory of fulfilment and when the heady sensation of newness fades, reality comes and we are forced to learn hard lessons of compromise and sacrifice, through the painful tutorship of potential loss.

And there lies the only choice love offers wait to receive from another who needs, lacks, hungers or wait for perfection… everything you think you want, to come to you and massage your cold heart athrophied from lack of use to life again or stay and give, selflessly, totally, completly without guarantees and live knowing true completion. It’s no real choice, because once you’ve known what it means to be whole with another no sacrifice is too steep to risk loss

Love Always

Your Sweetheart

14 Love Letters: 11th February

I’ve always wandered what the antithesis of love could be, this fierce reality that is more than feeling, more than emotion, seemingly possesing a life of its own as it grows like a particularly invasive weed in the heart of the unsuspecting. What could be so powerful it would stand toe to toe with the most powerful force on God’s green earth and not be found wanting.

Hate doesn’t cut it for me. Yes, it is the obvious choice and therein lies my greatest reservation, maybe it’s too easy. The proverbial red flag in front of a bull, to distract our focus so we don’t see until we feel the plunge of the blade. Hate runs too deep, its fierceness is too akin to Love, hate is heat, fire and brimstone. Hate is a living breathing thing that consumes everything it touches and that sounds too much like love to me.

Today it hit me, that the opposite of love is indifference, to not or no longer care. To not just see you as you are but to simply not see you at all. Not just a feigned nonchalance but a bone deep inability to muster any sort of feeling for what once consumed, to to be ice cold where you used to be fire. Indifference. that is the true antithesis of love, may we never be so unlucky.

Love Always

Your Sweetheart

14 Love Letters: 10th February

Dear Lover,

I know. I do. I wasn’t going to say anything but I can’t bear to see you like this. Conflicted, guilt ridden, wondering if this is right. It is, I promise you. This, Me and You? This love? Nothing could be more right, nothing. This much I guarantee.

How long you ask? Always, I knew from the very start. Your eyes, those big beautiful eyes, change color when you lie. At first it didnt really matter that you had another, you were just like them a beautiful liar and we would never be more and when it changed, when hook, line and sinker you caught my heart, I was powerless against the tide.

I started to hate her, this otherworldly goddess that held you in her thrall despite all I am. It hurt to see you and know you still saw another, it broke me to know I wasnt enough yet with a piece of you I was content. There was nothing worse than knowing you made a mockery of who I was for despite it all I couldn’t walk away.

I can’t let you go. I can’t. I. JUST. CAN’T. Don’t make me, I know its hard for you. I see it in how you give me space to leave, room to not choose you, only to run back to me heart racing and out of breath just when I turn to leave. So lets dispense with the lies, so you can look me in the eyes again and this wall between us can go away.

The world can say im crazy, call me a weakling, insecure and stupid but they have never known you and they have never been alone, so they don’t know there is no honour in it, that it’s never all roses and a crown of thorns still enthrones.

As long as you love me, everything is perfect. I want all of you and I’ll take it, warts and all as long as you love me. These stolen moments are enough as long as they are real, I wont ask for more. At least for now, it’s ok that I get to love you and know that you love me too and if this is wrong, I’m never going to do right.

Love Always,

Your Sweetheart

14 Love Letters: 9th February

You left me. Me. How could you? I don’t understand, I can’t wrap my mind around it because we had a deal, you promised. Me and You. I drive, you navigate. Partners. You said you’d be my anchor in this sea called life, instead you sink away from my sight beneath the waves of existence allowing the storms of life to batter me and set me adrift on uncharted waters. How dare you hurt me so?

I can’t do this, not alone, not without you. You’re in breach, so I take it all back. I want to undo it all. Take back your promises, I’ll take mine back, I need a reset button that takes me back to before you.

I’m crazy because I don’t know if I could press that button if I got it, this love of ours created such magic didn’t it? didn’t we?How could I leave all that behind in Neverland? Everything we felt, everything we did…our dreams the ones we got to live and the ones we didn’t. Who would I be without them? Without you? Without our magic? This shouldn’t be.

And then it wasn’t because I opened my eyes and I woke up, a nightmare. My bed clothes soaked with tears and sweat, and I cried, in loud racking sobs, tears of joy because I still have you, and you have me and you wouldn’t leave me or our magic for anything in this world or the next.

We are partners, you and I, the only way we are leaving is as butterflies. If you ever tried to leave me, to go away without me I will hunt you to the ends of the earth till I fall off, even Cerberus won’t be able to keep me from snatching you back from the fingers of Hades himself. This love won’t accept any apologies, not from me and definitely not from you.

Love Always,

Your Sweetheart