Salt In Rain

Salt in rain: The pursuit of beauty
The pursuit of things that are fleeting
I fear to look forward to the future
After tick tock steals pride from features

A masquerade of fantastic reality
Outside my pink framed window-all is vanity
Cloaking all- fragile hearts to abject depravity
My jeans and T-shirt?shield eye from normality

Under a facade of perfected executed artifice
It’s a competition; survival of the fakest
Padded. Concealed. Covered. All a wondrous farce
A pantomime of lies. Veiled purely to expose

Now trending, the chaos seeking the new create
Obsession over matters of pulchritude and rate
Boodylicious, informal. That a dictionary did state
Not even skin deep anymore, worth in gold it’s weight

Salt in rain: The pursuit of beauty
Fleeting though it may be today
Anti-aging, anti-fade soon beauty will be
Permanent. And realness at its face will flee

My Ideal World

A Valkyrie’s Diary
One second to 6am: my eyes flash open, with one movement of my hand I silence my bedside alarm before it goes off, I slip agilely out of bed eyes clear, mind rested and body refreshed, to straighten the bed, quickly cleaning my room which doesn’t take much since there’s nothing to clean, that done I brush my teeth, then step into a warm shower, taking my time about it, I dress up calmly; my well arranged closet making finding the right clothes easy. Shoes on I pick my already packed bag from my pristine writing table; I’d packed it after reading for the test I have this morning. I step into my kitchen whole grain cereal, toast and two bananas to keep my breakfast nutritious. It’s a 10 minute walk to my school and given that the time is barely 7 I can afford to dedicate extra time to proof read the piece I had written yesterday, satisfied I post it. Then get out my textbook just to go over the finer points of LLW 103- Nigerian Legal System, at 7: 30 precisely I start walking to school music from my iPad crooning softly in my ear, I get to class first and pick a seat two rows from the front and begin my online day, laughing my head off at @chydee’s tweets…a normal day for me. Now if it where an ideal world this would be how my morning would progress, but it’s not and in reality this is what happened:
My alarm went off directly in my ear, loud and mean, I fell off the chair hitting my head on the floor with a smack, it took me a full minute to orient myself enough to realize two things 1. I’d fallen asleep on my laptop again, and two I was probably late for wherever I was going to because the alarm that was blaring like its mother died was my 8am alarm for church on Sunday that I never got around to setting properly, with Herculean effort I pried my eyes open, the pain in my head alerting me to the numerous different pains in strategic points of my body, I rolled over groaning my feet connecting with my backpack sending my books flying out, Nigerian Legal System “holy shit!” as the first words I was uttering this Tuesday morning it wasn’t particularly positive but I had a test by 8am, and I was still here, I ran into my bathroom, losing my Lakers jersey and undies in transit,with my toothbrush in my mouth I step into the freezing cold shower, the action of brushing stifling my agonized scream, in 2 minutes I was done and feeling marginally sane, I ran dripping through my room, kicking clothes and other assorted paraphernalia out of the way promising myself for the umpteenth in two weeks to clean the room , in my kitchen I set water to boil, the mere thought of the coffee buzz I was going to get spurring me on my closet was a mess to say the least and I growled at it in secret hopes of intimidating it into giving up something satisfactory to wear, tons of clothes in front of me but the law black and white narrowed my options and I paired the first skirt and shirt I laid hands on, God bless the Lady of Justice and her lack of fashion sense…my books went into my backpack in one shove narrowly missing putting my latest erotica book( for research 🙂 into the bag too, my kettle whistling loudly I searched for a clean on-the-go cup, finding none, I quickly rinsed the one I’d used the day before praying I don’t get food poisoning; emptying a sachet of instant coffee into the cup I filled it with hot water that had almost boiled away, I broke into a run forgetting my phone and iPad half way out the door and running back to get it, scalding my hands on coffee I spat out expletives that would make any sailor proud. I hailed the first bike I saw, hoping the coins I always kept in the side pockets of my bag held true or I would be getting a beating, it did – thank God for little mercies- I ran through the school gate the security men laughing at my hurried good morning, they where used to the sight of me running one place or another, I made it to the class just as the back doors where closing I let out a deep breath squeezing into a seat in the back as the class was full, I was about to relax when I heard my name from the front of the class “Miss ^#^¥£ ” I cringed and stood up, “Yes Professor” I replied, knowing that it was never a good thing when you where not the best student or the class representative and a professor knew you name
“Did you not get the memo on this test Miss ^#^¥£” Considering the memo still written on the white board in front of the class I figured the question was merely formality
” I did Sir.” I said suppressing the urge to smile at him, This professor was attractive in a Wole Soyinka kind of way
“You did? that confirmed do you care to explain why you came late to my class when you where supposed to have a test?” Not answering was not an option so I settled for some of the truth
“I fell asleep on my computer Sir.” The whole class laughed
“For you sake I sorely hope you have downloaded everything in your computer into you brain because you have less than one hour left for your test.” He turned and walked back to the board, I couldn’t resist watching his ass because he might be in his 60’s but that ass was in the prime of its life…the question paper was passed to me and one look at it I drained my cup of coffee in one breath…I was going to need it.
Dear Diary why can’t I live in a ideal world?

Dear John

Love is not my thing, but I still remember falling for you, when I first saw you, my heart stopped, raced and executed somersaults…I was scared out of my wits, I hoped and prayed you would be nothing but a pretty face, no substance no character. I guess my quota of answered prayers had been filled that day because you where everything I could hope for, the imperfectly perfect one. I remember looking into your unforgettable eyes and feeling a little relief because if the eyes where really the windows to the soul, I had won yours. I tried to run, to tell the truth that a girl like me would only bring you sorrow but did you listen? You where too sure, too cocky, too in love… I would have stood my ground but the Moerae had already condemned me, to see this coming -my own personal Apocalypse-but fill my heart with so much that I was helpless to stop it, so far gone; I was willing to settle for anything or any time no matter how short as long as I could love you. I’m sorry because even though I knew it was the unforgivable I chose to love you knowing I would hurt you but choosing it anyway because I would give anything even my soul for a chance to love you… After all who needs a conscience when I have love?

Love is not my thing but I still remember the beginnings, the climaxes the good times,we were invincible! We were in love! Nothing could touch us. I remember how happy we were , how we planed, hoped, created perfection out of our minds building cozy cabins for two in the skies but they could have been castles for all their reality. I wasn’t meant to be. We never where. It was just a cruel trick,to share a fate with Kullervo but think I could tread where sorcery failed,you where blameless but like Jonah as long as you loved me the laughter of the gods shipwrecked us. No you where not blameless, if you hadn’t been so perfect, if your lips hadn’t fit mine like a puzzle, if my body hadn’t fit yours like my curves had been carved from your hollows…you could have been short but no you had to be just tall enough that my head fit under your chin like your shoulder was meant for my tears. It was your fault, you conspired against me to hurt us. How much lighter my heart would be if I could believe your guilt but I’m sorry it was me. Just me. Selfish me.

Love is not my thing so it’s justifiable that I choose not to remember the storms, the hurricanes that threatened to wipe out everything in its path and leave our hearts a barren wasteland. I will NOT recall those quarrels, the words that cut deeper than any blade ever could, those times when it was right to abuse every knowledge love had granted us, for all is fair in love and war, our weapons where specialized who better to hurt you than the one who knew you the most? But I remember how I would tear you apart just to watch you bleed, knowing my heart would bleed for you but doing it anyway because I won’t forgive what you did till I hurt you back. Hard as I try I can’t remember what you did to hurt me, you must have because I remember being hurt so many times but I can’t remember what you ever did, I can’t, but I recall every time you bled for me. Every time I hurt you. I’m sorry. Forgive me, for every time you forgave me. I didn’t deserve it.

Love is not my thing, I know yet you tell me I never loved you, you tell me I never showed you, you tell me these things and I wonder why you love me, are you punishing yourself for some heinous crime? I thought you knew, I thought there was nary a doubt that I would move the world for you, I won’t die for you my love for I’m too selfish to let you love another but I would die with you because life has no meaning without you. I thought you understood but now you tell me that you don’t believe what I feel is real, I smiled at you and shaking my head like you just made another stupid comment because I could not cry in front of you. I won’t. Not ever again. Because you taught me to cry “trust me with your tears, i got you” you would say but with every tear I shed for you, you remind me how weak it makes me_ I couldn’t cry but you have broken a heart that beats only for you…yet the pieces still love you. This must be my penance, this love, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please.

Love is not my thing, I shouldn’t understand it but I see the end, I see the end of the best thing that would ever happen to me and I can’t help it, you tell me we are too different, I’m too stubborn, we want different things: your still the same but I have changed, I don’t understand if I love you, just you and only you is there any other thing that matters? I don’t know, love is not my thing but this love is ending and I see myself sacrificing me and all I stand for to keep this love, but if I do -I can’t help questioning- who would love you the way I do now? I’m sorry. Love is not my thing,I wish I understood maybe I would make it right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Love is not my thing but I love you, I’m not perfect but I love you perfectly,I love the you that gets jealous when I look at another with eyes that see only you, I love you even when you hurt me for no reason, I love you even though I pray to God to bless me so I never have to take anything from you but your loving, I love the you that distrusts me so much I wonder what she looks like, where she lives, the most agonizing way to end her existence. I love you, even though you’ve taken away everything even the names I call you in my dreams, I love you, used to love you, I still love you, will always love you. Even though you’ll be the death of my soul and I’ll probably be yours, I’m sorry. For everything I’m sorry, everything except loving you.